Delusions
by LoveDN
Summary: "It's entirely your fault, all of this. You're to blame for Al's sorrow and your inability to save those you love. You are nothing but the worthless existence you think you are!" – "I know!" Edward cried desperately at his reflection. "Don't you think I already know that?"


At first I wanted to thank **JJKMagic** for beta-ing this for me! Thank you~!

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**Delusions**

It had been a tiring journey, at least for Ed. There were no new leads and it was nagging at him, slowly but surely. He became more and more frustrated over the years with every false lead, with every hope, no matter how small, shattered just like always.

It was tiring and dragging his sanity straight down the road to madness. Ed knew that but at the same time he couldn't ask Al to stay at the dorms to get some well-deserved rest. Not when he heard the hope and the excitement in his younger brother's voice whenever Mustang came up with a new lead. Even though they were disappointed so many times his brother didn't stop believing and hoping. And who was Ed to deny Al that? When hope and belief was everything he could cling to. Not when he was the one to blame. Not when it was his fault Al was in such a miserable state.

And still… for Ed it became almost unbearable, the guilt and all the false hope... It hurt; hurt him so much that he couldn't breathe sometimes. But, no, that didn't matter. Not for him and not before he could see his brother smiling for real again.

Edward sighed as he let himself into the small room. It was dark and cold, but he knew he wasn't alone. He cringed the moment he felt a presence behind him. It was _him_ again! He knew his face, more than he liked to know it, knew the mocking tone of his voice.

"What brings you here?" the voice asked. Ed turned around to look into two pools of piercing, far too familiar eyes, boring right into his soul. It stung…

"What did you do this time?" the voice pressed on. _Please don't ask me, please, don't... I can't…_

"Why do you automatically assume that I only come here after 'doing something'?" Edward asked back, an eyebrow cocked in slight irritation.

"Well, because, just maybe, you only come when that's the case?" the voice offered in the same irritation.

At that Ed lowered his eyes towards the ground, trying with the last resolve he had left not to cry. Even though crying seemed to be a really nice thing for Ed at the moment. But he wouldn't yield that desire. Not in front of him!

"So what?" the voice seethed, "You know you can tell me, Edward, I'm probably the only one who would listen, the only one who would understand," the voice tried to coax him more gently this time as Ed remained silent.

As Edward didn't answer, but simply pressed his lips tightly together, determined not to speak, the voice knew that whatever was going on was not good.

It snickered lightly, suppressing the laugh that threatened to escape from its throat, although failing miserably.

"Oh my, it happened again? What was it this time? Who did you let down, who did you hurt?" it sneered, saying just the right things to get Ed to, finally, react.

He gasped, looking taking aback as his voice rose, "No, I didn't…-" but then he stopped himself, obviously thinking about a way to rephrase whatever there was on his tongue, "I didn't mean to…" was all he let out, voice strained in despair as his words wavered a little in the end.

"My, my, I knew I was right, I just know how you feel," Edward looked to the ground again, trying desperately not to meet the face across from him, "So tell me, Edward, great Fullmetal Alchemist, tell me, what is wrong with you?" Instead of the usual sneer Edward expected, the voice sounded mad, "So? You great 'Alchemist of the people', you are nothing but a load of shit, aren't you? All those titles they shower you with are nothing but sweet, sweet lies, which almost tricked you into believing they are right, aren't they?" the voice somehow sounded broken as it carried on, "But I know better, you know better, don't you? All you can do is create sorrow, to hell with helping a few people out there fixing their broken things, when all you can do is tear those dear to you apart. Isn't it like this? Great Alchemist, Edward, stop averting your eyes from me. Look at me!" the voice shouted out in rage.

And Edward did. He lifted his gaze from the ground and looked with glassy eyes at the mad face in front of him, the golden orbs he looked into looked twisted in agony. Yes, Edward knew that mad face, knew those sad eyes, knew the voice that was crying out to him, he knew it, it was far too familiar.

"I'm sorry," he whispered forlornly as he looked into the mirror.

Glassy eyes looked back at him, as his reflection drew in a breath and exhaled as it continued, "I know you are… but that doesn't change facts, does it?" it asked bluntly.

Ed watched disbelievingly as the once glassy eyes contorted into angry, liquid pools.

He spurted, "No, of course not! I never said that," Ed added, somewhat sullenly.

"I know that no apology could undo the things I did!"

"But when you know that then why don't you stop to hurt those around you?" the voice demanded.

"Do you really think I do that intentionally? This time it really wasn't my -," the blonde cried out before the voice interrupted him rudely again.

"That doesn't matter! Al was worrying himself shitless and even Winry feared for you life to the point she started crying again! Didn't you promise her that the next time she'll cry it would be tears of joy? You couldn't even keep that little promise…" the voice of his mirror image broke and his words hit Ed like he had been slapped for real. But the pain he was feeling couldn't be compared in the slightest to being hit. This emotional pain was so much more painful and those words were like knives slicing through his body.

He felt the tears that were brimming in his eyes again and his own voice wavered as he tried to reply, to desperately explain.

"Yeah, you're right," Ed cringed at how dull his voice sounded, "I can't even keep that promise, I can't keep any promise! I'm pitiful, but you know that I really try…," his voice died.

He heard the voice of his reflection growl and its eyes darkened to a dirty amber colour as it fixed Ed with a death glare,

"You TRY? You fucking_ let_ yourself get captured by this ridiculous gang so that you didn't came home for what? A week? Let yourself be tortured that even Auntie Pinako almost cried as she saw your wounds! I can't even find enough words to describe how pathetic you are!" the voice shouted, every word dripping with venom, as it carried on dangerously low.

"You LET them do all that to you; you were too weak to escape on your own or to defend yourself. Because of you the military had to bother and waste taxes for the unit that went out looking for you to rescue you like some, fucking weak, crying girl! God dammit, Edward! You call yourself an Alchemist? You are nothing." The gaze of his reflection had turned into an icy glare by now, laced with hatred and loathing.

Ed had to look away as the tears were endlessly streaming down his face,

"I know…" he whispered.

"Oh, so you know all the things you do wrong, but that makes me wonder: If you fucking know, why not change it?"

Edward could feel cold sweat on his back and neck and felt shivers running down his spine.

"Maybe you should stop trying and actually manage to do something instead of going around trying to transmute humans and stealing your brother's body,"

Ed's breathing changed to panting and the act of filling his lungs with air got harder and harder with every word that dripped from his reflection's lips.

"It probably was your fault, too, that your precious daddy left you and your family, I wouldn't be surprised, I mean we both know how insufferable you can be."

White dots were dancing at the edges of Ed's vision as the words crashed in, breaking apart his insides.

"And we both know that all of this is entirely your fault! You're to blame for Al's sorrow. It's your fucking fault that he is caged in this suit of armor, unable to feel, sleep, eat, unable to be the normal kid he is supposed to be! YOU dragged him into this shit."

Ed's hands trembled and his lips quivered, he almost couldn't breathe and his whole body shook while his face was disgustingly wet from the salty water that was still burning his cheeks.

Edward was on the verge of hyperventilating.

"Stop it," the blond boy coughed out, voice so low that it couldn't be heard over his reflection's runt. But the voice simply went on.

"You can't even manage to save anybody you love,"

He tried to steady his breathing before he raised his voice a little louder, "Stop it, please…"

"You," the Edward in the mirror pointed accusingly at the real one in front of it, "You, Edward Elric, Alchemist of the people, are nothing! You are nothing but the worthless crap you think you are!"

"Stop, _please_, stop it! I can't stand it… please just…," Edward pleaded despairingly, his voice nothing but a whimper.

"What, you want me to stop telling you what you know anyway? That you are no good…? That you are that pathetic that the pain you bathe in is the only way for you to –"

"I said stop it!" Edward screamed exasperated as he lifted his flesh arm, slamming his fist straight into the maddening grimace in the mirror. He could faintly hear the sick, dull noise as his fist connected with the reflecting material before it started to crack. And then it shattered into thousand little pieces, breaking his face off the smooth glass surface as it fell onto the ground, shattering only more as the junks met the hard bathroom tiles.

Edward limply let himself fall with the reflecting pieces, smashing both his fists into the ground. His small form shook with the rattling pants he produced as he brokenly fought for air.

His left fist was littered with little cuts that were bleeding softly, but he didn't even feel it as he stared ahead at the broken mirror pieces, each reflecting a blurry vision of his face.

"I know that you don't want to hear it… but you, _we_, know the truth," the voice started, even if somewhat strained, again.

"Yes, I know," Edward wheezed, still fighting for air.

He rested his forehand against the cold bathroom floor, trying to cool it, as he pressed himself into an even tighter ball. It hurt, Edward hurt so much that he could barely take it.

He turned his head, setting his cheek against the tiles as he stared in front of him, away from the broken mirror pieces, still reflection hundreds of little Edwards that looked so accusingly at him that he couldn't take it anymore.

"Don't you think I know?" he asked dully again as he pressed his cheek only deeper into the ground. The tears that streamed from his eyes were so hot that they seemed to burn their path down his cheeks, but strangely he felt comforted by that.

He felt sleep, bittersweet releasing sleep, take him over as he heard a shuffling sound behind him.

"Why, aren't we pathetic, Fullmetal?"

Ed's head jolted upwards at the familiar, smooth voice now laced with pity.

"Colonel?" He sobbed as he tried to see through the curtain of tears that was clouding his vision. He felt so exhausted and he only wanted to rest, but his mind didn't let him so he tried with all his remaining energy to hold his head up.

"Are you even too weak to look at me now, shrimp?" Mustang seethed, feeling sick to his stomach by the pathetic sight of his subordinate. Ed could see it in his eyes, this loathing mixed with disappointment. It stung so much that he couldn't even get mad at Mustang's insult.

"But… the pain, it hurts and I just can't…," Ed started but couldn't find the right words to say.

Mustang's eyes narrowed as he moved forward, still looking down at him with _that_ look, as he sternly demanded,

"Do you really think that I don't know what you're talking about? That I don't know what it feels like to be ripped apart by sorrow? Are you really that self-centred that you don't even realize that you are not the only one hurting?"

Edward tried to sit up, resting on his knees, as he looked up still fishing for the right words, "I do know, but you have no idea…" his voice was nothing above a whisper, tainted in agony as he bit his lips, hard, to stop them from quivering.

His lower lip trembled nonetheless as he stared upwards, begging the Colonel with his eyes to understand.

But his superior simply raised a dark eyebrow as he stared straight back, seemingly unfazed by Ed's pleading look.

"If you know then why are you acting like a three-year old? Sitting here, bathing in your pain… it sickens me," Mustang responded as the pity in his eyes changed to anger.

Ed's eyes started to water again at the Colonel's harsh words and he lowered his gaze to his knees, nervously twisting his fingers.

He tried to swallow but his throat was so dry that it felt like nails scraping against sandpaper.

"I-I… I don't do that! But you have to understand that my pain is different, it's more –"

Edward started to explain, gaze nervously darting back and forth between the Colonel's eyes and his fidgeting hands. At least he tried before Mustang cut him off again.

"- Painful than those of others? Is that what you're trying to say? I know the pain you're feeling. The blame. The fear. The nightmares. Fullmetal, I know how it is to be hurting. But that is no reason to let yourself down. You need to be strong. What do you think would your brother say if he could see you like that?"

"Leave Al out of this!" Ed suddenly shouted. "You have no idea anyway! He wouldn't say anything. He would take it just like he takes everything else. He never blames me…" Ed whispered, sad eyes glimmering with fresh tears.

He heard the metallic footsteps before the faint voice echoed through the now uncomfortable silence.

"Why should I blame Nii-san? It's not like you did anything wrong!" Ed looked up and even though the face of the armor couldn't express anything, he was sure, if it could, it would show hurt.

He watched as the Colonel's eyes narrowed in anger and his lips mouthed: 'I told you so.'

He chose to ignore it as his gaze wandered to Al's armored face again.

"You; of all people, know best that all I did the past years was wrong!" Ed tried to stay calm and control his temper. He didn't want to let the cool mask shatter that he perfected over the years. No, shouting at Al was a no-no for Ed. He didn't deserve it.

"But it isn't your entire fault! I'm at least to the same amount responsible for the things that happened!" Al responded.

"That's not true, Alphonse! You tried to talk me out of practicing human transmutation but I didn't listen to you! No, instead I dragged you into it! Because of me, you are trapped in a piece of metal. It's my fault…" he trailed of, his voice strangled by the sobs that were escaping his throat. He cast his gaze downwards, using his blond fringes to cover his eyes.

"But Nii-san… please stop blaming yourself. I knew exactly the risk of what we did. And it's not like you haven't lost something yourself in the attempt to save me. See? I'm not alone in this predicament," Al tried to comfort his brother, knowing he needed it, even though Ed would never admit that.

Ed heaved a heavy sigh and tried to control his breathing as his eyes narrowed and he sternly demanded, "And what about all the others I'm hurting? What about Winry? She's always crying because of the careless things I do! What about the Colonel, what about Hawkeye and the rest? They are all counting on me but I never cease to disappoint them with my childishness…" Ed struggled for words but his voice died on him.

Al looked down at his brother and tried somewhat desperately to console him further,

"But it's not like you do those things on purpose, Nii-san. They all know that you try really hard and –"

"Oh my god, Al, can you stop it please? Why are you still so kind? I don't deserve this kind of treatment!" His voice rose despite his resolution not to.

"Scream at me! Yell at me! Tell me you hate me! I can't stand your kind-heartedness, it's driving me insane… please don't suck it up anymore. I need to hear it… I need to…," Tears welled up in his eyes, making the beautiful gold colour glistening in the dull lights.

"But Nii-san… you know that I could never hate you. I love you! You are my brother and I love you, I would forgive you everything you do just like you would forgive everything I do!"

Ed looked up, little streams of water decorating his cheeks as his eyes glistened with something different than tears, "But how can… with all the things I did… How are you able to…" his voice broke again. His gazed lowered to the ground as he shuffled there nervously, trying to find a more comfortable position. He slowly felt a familiar pain buzzing through his head, making him sick with dizziness.

"Nii-san you need to forgive yourself, you need to try to live with the things you did. There is no need for you to feel this amount of pain."

"But Al, how could I ever –" Ed started off before his little brother interrupted him,

"Please, Nii-san, why can't you at least try to forgive yourself? Why can't you try to purify your heart from all your agony?"

"Because the pain… I.." He trailed off, slumping bonelessly into a heap on the floor, his skull making not so gentle contact with the hard bathroom tiles.

_Because the pain is the only thing…_

It droned so loud in his head that he didn't hear his own pathetic sobs, that he didn't hear metallic footsteps fading, that he didn't hear the clank of another pair of military boots thudding on the ground.

He was so lost in himself that he didn't realize anything before a person with lithe but strong arms grabbed his collar and heaved him off the ground for at least an half meter. Not until hot breath hit his cheek did he realize that there was another person, fixing him with a gaze that was so full of hurt that he startled and his breath caught in his lungs.

"First Lieutenant?" he croaked, voice horse from all the crying.

Her face was twisted with something akin to disgust and her eyes hardened.

"You know you are very selfish, Edward. Do you think that I'm not hurt as well?" She asked, and no matter how much Ed wanted to tell her that he knew, there were no sounds coming from his throat. Riza's hold on Ed's collar became stronger as she levelled his face to hers,

"I told you about it, how it was. I told you about the things I did and have to live with from now. I told you about the people I killed, about what kind of soldier I was. I wasn't fighting; I was shooting from the distance, knowing that when my gaze was focused on a victim it would certainly die. Yes, I am this confident of my skills." He was transfixed by her gaze as her arms slowly started quivering. Whether it was because he was starting to become heavy or because of anger Ed wouldn't know. "Damn it, Edward, yes!"

Her eyes were wild as they now scanned the room, not sighting anything in particular but darting frantically between the mirror junks and Ed's face that was still agonizingly close to hers she decided. So she let go of Ed's collar and he fell back on the ground with a loud thud.

"Goddammit, Ed, yes I killed people but I'm at least trying to live with it, you noisy brat!"

She spat, her eyes now filled with loathing. Ed flinched at the hardness of her words and tried hard not to let shock cascade over his features.

"I know…" he finally said silently, defeated.

"Then why, Ed? Why have you giving up?" She asked, her voice hoarse from shouting.

Ed tried to glare back at her, telling her that he didn't give up, couldn't give up. He wouldn't dare. He could never do that to Al! He stopped fighting for himself a long time ago actually. But he pushed himself forward for Al's sake.

And yet, his behaviour was creating more and more sorrow. He glanced at Riza as her chest heaved and she was struggling for breath, desperately holding the tears back the memory provoked.

He knew that this wasn't the real Riza Hawkeye. He knew that his mind was simply playing tricks on him, hoping to hurt him more. Yes, his own mind was sick and masochistic like that. For a reason, of course, but he doubted that anyone would understand…

Yes, he knew that but it didn't stop him to feel hurt by her words anyway. Because she was right! He was pathetic and insensitive, a side he could never ever show anyone outside of this room. And he hated it!

All those people were supporting him, stayed strong and composed, and he was too afraid to even look into the mirror.

His eyes softened, not being able to glare at someone who was so obviously hurt themself and still trying to help him.

"I'm sorry," he murmured instead, his voice begging for forgiveness.

Riza fell to her knees as well as she started sobbing soundlessly into her hands.

Mustang who had been quiet for the time being, now woke up from his stupor, stepping in front of Hawkeye, trying to grant her some semi-peace.

"See? That's what I was talking about before. You are not alone Edward, we are all hurt, but we try to live with it… I know it's hard but the pain from the past is not something you can't work on, you can –"

"That's different!" Ed cried exasperated.

"How so?" He cocked an eyebrow in question.

"Because I need the pain! I long for the feeling of being hurt…"

Mustang's stern look faded as he stared at Ed in puzzlement.

"Wha… - What the fuck?" He cursed bewildered, eyes wide and composure temporarily forgotten.

"You've heard me," Ed whispered, "I need pain. It is…like you need the air to breathe, I need the pain to live."

Mustang still looked a little confused, but he seemed to catch himself again, "That's… the greatest bullshit I've ever heard, Fullmetal! You don't need pain but a therapist as it sounds to me!"

Ed glared at Mustang, disdain visible on his face, "Yeah? You know, that is the greatest bullshit I've ever heard! Don't speak to me like you know me, like you know exactly what I feel."

The Colonel simply glared back as he said, "How do you think am I, or anyone else for that matter, supposed to know how you feel? All I know is that it's pathetic and weak how you are behaving! How, I ask you, how can we help you when the only one you are honest to is your reflection? And only when you are alone in a fucking, dark bathroom?"

Ed's eyes widened and he felt slightly taken aback as he tried to defend himself, "It's not like you would understand. And I don't want to cause any of you more sorrow than I already have…" And damn! He could feel these fucking tears entering his eyes again.

The look in Mustang eyes changed again, but Ed wished it hadn't. Because he could deal with anger, yes, even with hatred, but the pity that was now prominent in the Colonel's eyes made him cringe inwardly.

"You know, Fullmetal, everybody would give their best and try to understand, just talk to u-"

"Fucking leave it, Mustang, okay? It's not like anyone would be able to help me or make it better just by listening to my crap! Do you think it could be this easy? No, it can't! It can't, because I'm not allowed to overcome the pain! If it wasn't for the pain, I wouldn't be anymore!"

Ed's whole body shook with angry pants as he bared his teeth and fixed Mustang with an icy glare.

"Fullmetal, you know that this is bullshit –" Mustang tried to interrupt Ed's maniac runt, but Ed wouldn't let him.

"Oh yeah? You think it is? Then tell me, what is there left for me but the pain?"

"Full-" but the Colonel was again cut off as Edward's words echoed through the room with such a brutal force that it was impossible to talk some sanity into the boy.

"Tell me! What would be left for me? What would be left but the pain? It's the only thing that is still driving me forward. Yeah, it may be the straight way to madness, but it's the only thing I can still cling to. What is there left for me, when not the desire to amend my sins?

What do I do when I reach my goals? Tell me, what is left for me then?

I still would need to deal with the pain, the knowledge that all the sorrow I've caused is inerasable, and then what?

Where could I fit into then? I, _we_," he pointed accusingly at the many reflected Edwards on the mirror junks, "have nothing but the wish to repent!

And then what? I'd be left without any purpose to go on, not when I lost everything already!

My only will to live is based on the determination to never forget! To never forget the sins I've committed.

When I have regained Al, what then? He'll have his own life, his own experiences, he won't need me anymore!

So what is wrong with dwelling in my pain some time longer? When the only thing that's keeping me alive is all the hurt? Tell me what the fuck is wrong with that!

I need it, so please, let me drown in my anguish some more. Let me be reminded why I'm still here, why I haven't given up already.

I need this pain, I need it to survive! The only thing that was keeping me from committing suicide long ago was Al! Cause what would I be without him? I would give everything for him, my arms, my legs, my heart! Everything…

So don't you dare accusing me of being pathetic and weak!"

And yes it hurt, it simply hurt so much that his lungs burned with every breath he tried to draw in, but was never quite reaching him. His eyes stung with every little tear that was leaking from then. His nerves screamed in despair from the cuts on his knuckles.

Edward simply hurt!

And yet, this pain was all he wished for. The pain was the only purpose for him to fight against the darkness that threatened to consume him. And even though the ache was strangling him to the point of suffocation he was glad, relieved even, to know that he was still alive and feeling.

By the time Ed looked up again, still breathing heavily, the bathroom was empty.

He looked around but couldn't spot anyone and then he laughed. He simply laughed, laughed a bitter, humourless laugh until he had no strength left. "Of course they're gone. It's just like always…"

His voice was scratchy and he hung his head in exhaustion, his eyes facing the bathroom floor.

He spotted the mirror junks that still littered the ground. They were sharp. Sharp enough that there was no doubt that they were able to cut. He felt his hands twitch; his left hand inching towards a large piece. He picked it up and held it in front of his face, examining it closely. He pressed the tip into his thumb and hissed as it broke the skin, drawing blood without much effort at all. Yes, sharp indeed. He glanced uneasily at his wrist and wondered, even only for a second, how it would feel to slash it through the flesh, cutting the veins lying beneath open.

He gasped soundly and threw the piece away. "Fuck!" Ed screamed.

There was no way for him to even think about something like that. Hadn't he only a few minutes ago explained why he couldn't give up?

_Concentrate on the pain, Ed, remember the feel of it and remember why you have to go on!_

_Just remember what this pain is proof of._

No, he was the cause of his own problems and to top it of he was also responsible for Al's agony.

He couldn't leave the world just like that. There were still so many things to do. No matter how painful it would get and no matter how much he liked to be numb to any feelings, he couldn't leave Al all alone. Ed was the only one of his real family left and he wouldn't let him down. No, Ed would protect and restore him. No matter what. That was his duty, that was his worth and the reason for him to be alive.

But still… it was straining. All the energy he once had was draining from him and he simply curled into a tight ball trying desperately not to break down. At least not more than he already had. His breathing evened out as he slowly began to calm down, waiting in silence for the moment reality would catch up to him. Although it was so easy to pretend that he was done and finished and could simply waste away. Right there at that very moment.

He closed his eyes and tried to relinquish in this feeling of bliss and oblivion. Simply hollowly staring ahead, muting his thinking and forgetting for one moment all this shit he was supposed to call his life.

The room Edward was sitting in was empty and dark. For some the coldness that radiated from it may have been ominous, but for him it was comforting, in a morbid way.

He was ready to be consumed by the darkness, curling up in an exhausted ball of pain as he heard a frantic knock on the door.

"Nii-san! Nii-san, come on, get ready already! The Colonel it waiting for us with this new lead!" the exited voice of his little brother droned through the door.

Edward sighed; _right_, there was a journey to be finished, a goal to be accomplished. He couldn't let himself be consumed by this comforting darkness, at least not yet.

"Coming!" he shouted back, heaved himself off of the ground, readjusted his ponytail and readied himself for yet another day of hurting dullness.

"I'm coming…"

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**A/N:** Wooah... finally done. It took me like forever to get the document ready and readable and all. (I hope at least...)

Please tell me what you think and review! It would make me happy! (:


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